I DID NOT HAVE TO HURT
ANYMORE

By: Queenie G. Charles

As a baby I was told that I lived with different people a lot, & before the age of five, I lived with my father in the projects until my dad got in some trouble. One of my relatives cared for me, and handed me back to my mother.

I started living with my grandmother on my mother's side. I was always left alone most of the time, so a lot

of times I would get into things because of boredom.  Overall, in my mind, I really can't recall what I'd ever done to be called "bad" I do remember my grandmother telling me that God was going to punish me, I was going to be punished; and as a young child I took that very seriously.

          One day I was excited about being promoted to the third grade. But When I arrived home I saw my mother packing my belongings. I do remember my mother and grandma discussing that they wanted me to leave, but in my mind I did not think I was leaving.  After my mother was through packing all my belonging, she gave me instructions on what to say to my father just in case he didn't want keep me.
           The last thing I remember about this event in my life is how my parents were arguing vehemently back and forth- then my mother took off.
My dad was supposedly engaged to this lady and was helping taking care of  her two daughters.
           Together these girls would tell lies on me and do other unspeakable things. They would tell me to "leave their house" or " I did not belong there". I remember one time I was alone with the girls and they covered my face with a pillow. I just wanted to die, then I heard something tell me to "be still" and I did. They quickly took the pillow from across my face and panicked, they thought that I had stopped breathing. For only a short period time they treated me nice, then they started back with their tormenting lies and pranks. Sometimes I would just feel helpless and defenseless, because I had nobody to defend me.
  The girls and I would watch our parents argue and sometimes they got physical in front of us. My father's girlfriend would blame my dad and me for her financial crisis and I use to wander, what did I do?
          One day I ran away from school, because of the overwhelming home life I was living currently at that time. At this time I started to experience depression and thoughts of suicide.
          During the summer before I went to the fourth grade my dad's girlfriend wanted my father and I to leave, but   I was the one that left, but this time I knew I did nothing wrong, but I figured   " God was punishing me, I was getting punished"
           Afterward I lived with some relatives and they were extremely caring and good to me. I wanted to fit right in their immediate family. I moved with them into their new house, but once again I had to leave when because they were not able to enroll me in school. My parents were told that my relatives were unable to keep me. My father said he would come and get me, but he never came and my mother said that she could not afford to keep me. That very same night I went to grandmother's on my father's side, who lived out of town.
Later, I had the chance to live with another aunt who was very nice and kind to me, but one day my uncle had gotten a job offer and they moved out of the state. My aunt would always tell me that she would come back and get me, but that never happen.
           I also lived with my father's mother (now deceased) who treated me real good. I started going to church with her and it was in her sanctified Baptist church that  I learned about how Jesus Christ died for my sins. I thought I could pray to Him and he would answer me; but at the same time I developed some bad habits and did some things I deeply regretted.
Around the age of ten I moved in with an aunt, whom had no children of her own. While leaving with her I went to go visit my mother that summer. Some